Honolulu: Where Don Ho is King

Waikiki: home of psychedelic sunsets, sweet songs played on steel guitars, and bronzed surfers riding looming blue waves. If that's what you're expecting, you'll get it - but be prepared for the other side of Waikiki: store after store filled with cheap, schlocky souvenirs that will fall apart before you get home, so many Japanese tourists that you'll have to pinch yourself to remember that you're not in a foreign country, and grubby, litter-strewn sand. It's enough to make a hula girl want to hang up her grass skirt.

But don't despair; there's still enough of the old magic around to make your trip worthwhile. For every piece of spam you find in your authentic Hawaiian plate lunch, there's a fresh, juicy morsel of pineapple for dessert. For every submarine tour that unexpectedly drops you off after your tour in the middle of town, instead of back at your hotel, there's a friendly bus driver who offers you clementines from her own backyard garden to eat while she drives you back to your hotel. (True story!) And for every depressing view of house-covered hills, there is a rich, multicolored sunset to knock your eyes clear out of your head. So bring your camera, your sunscreen, and your sense of humor, because you'll need all three!

Quick Tips:

If you snorkel, don't rent gear at your hotel. Resort management should be rounded up and arrested for the prices they charge. Snorkel Bob is just outside Waikiki at 700 Kapahulu Avenue, on the corner of Date Street. (See my Kauai entry on Snorkel Bob for more about Snorkel Bob.) He'll take great care of you for mere pennies.

If you like what you read about Don Ho, save yourself -10 per ticket by reserving seats for his show on his website. Click here for Don Ho Show Reservations. Imagine an old-style variety show, like Garrison Keillor with a surfboard and ukelele. You'll love it.

Don't be afraid to venture out of Waikiki! Consider grabbing a guidebook and giving yourself a walking tour of Honolulu proper. Worthwhile stops: the beautifully landscaped 'Iolani Palace (for a look at how Hawaiian royalty lived) and Hale (City Hall, for a peek at how business is run in Oahu today), the gleaming black and gold statue of Kamehameha I (just because it's so gaudy!), and Kawaiaha'o Church (because it's made entirely out of coral blocks. You've never seen anything like it!)

Best Way To Get Around:

If you're making Honolulu your home base and don't mind taking public buses or group tours to get around Oahu, you could get away with not renting a car. But with car rental costs among the lowest nationwide, a rental might be cheaper than taxis. Tour operators like American Express offer flight/car packages that lower the cost of the rental car to as little as per day. Renting a car also gets you a copy of the invaluable "Drive Guide" which provides maps, coupons, and a mini-guidebook to whatever island you're on. The detail maps in particular are extremely useful, and I don't think you can get them anywhere except from the rental car companies.

The public bus system runs from Waikiki to many of the big tourist attractions, such as Pearl Harbor. Most anything in this journal can be reached either by public bus or by taxi. If you want to shop, the impressively huge Ala Moana mall runs a shuttle bus (cost ) every 15mn from many big hotels, including the Hilton Hawaiian Village.

Waikiki is perfectly walkable, but it's a several-mile hike to downtown Honolulu or anywhere else you might want to go.

They don''t call it a village for nothing. This Hilton resort is so big, it deserves its own journal. This is not my kind of hotel - I readily disclose that I only chose the Hilton because I got to stay there for free. That being said, the place is unbelievable. There is no reason to leave the grounds if you don''t want to. They even have a Tiffany''s in case of spur-of-the moment marriage proposals.

For some this is a good thing. There''s always something to do at the Hilton. A sample of activities includes penguin feeding, snorkel lessons, lauhala weaving, ukelele making, torch lighting ceremony, tai chi stretch, lei making class, and Friday night fireworks with a precision rifle drill team. The beach is unremarkable but calm, and though you''re a 10mn walk from the heart of Waikiki, that might not be a bad thing either - the week we were there, Waikiki beach was closed for a day because of shark sightings.

No shortage of places to eat, either. We breakfasted often at Niumalu Café in the brand new Kalia tower. It''s several cuts above the typical hotel dining experience, with soft-voiced waitresses bringing exquisitely prepared banana macnut pancakes, flufffy omelettes, ripe pineapple wedges, and chicken curry manapuas, a local favorite inspired by Portuguese stuffed buns. They also served wonderful, aromatic kona coffee - the perfect start to any morning. We didn''t stick around the hotel for lunch or evening "sunset pupus" at Niumalo, but they looked tasty, too. The other restaurants we sampled (Golden Dragon for Chinese, Tropics Bar for breakfast) were as expected. Fine for an evening when you''re too tired to go out exploring, but what a price you pay for that convenience - an overpriced, Americanized version of dinner, guaranteed neither to disappoint nor to inspire.

I''m hesitant to talk about the rooms, as I was upgraded to a $750 a night suite with decks and ocean views on two sides. Would I have paid that much for the room, even if I had the money? Absolutely not. Though it was extremely large and comfortable, and our views were absolutely spectacular, it was utterly lacking in personality. The regular rooms are done in the same Polynesian-by-way-of-Walmart style, minus the living room, fluffy bathrobes, and other amenities. The grounds, however, are quite an experience. Sprawling pools, trickling waterfalls, unusual looking animals and plants around every corner. Swarming through all this exotica in a near-continuous stampede are the tourists - tons of them, from all over the world.

The fitness center and Mandala Spa had just opened when we visited in September and were not fully operational yet. They are not run by the hotel, so nothing is free and it isn''t cheap, either. If you''re a workout nut, consider a reduced rate multi-day pass to the fitness center, which looks out over the private Kalia Tower pool and the lovely hotel grounds.

Ever want to know what it's like to do a deep scuba dive, but didn't have the time/money/cojones to take lessons? Then you're going to love Atlantis Submarine Tours! It isn't cheap - but it's much, much cheaper than scuba lessons, gear, tanks, and so on. You don't even have to get wet!

Here's how it works. Atlantis also operates in Kona and on Maui, but in Oahu, you walk out onto a long pier at the Hilton Hawaiian Village beach to a dock, where you are taken by boat to a waiting submarine. These $3.5 million dollar beauties are custom-designed for underwater sightseeing. Everyone gets a window seat. You'll dive to between 100-115 feet and visit two sunken boats, several new but blossoming artificial reefs, a sunken plane, and whatever else the captain finds of interest under the ocean that day. We were delighted with the variety and quantity of sea life that we saw. Not just swarms of colorful fish, but the exotic stuff: manta rays, southern rays, barracudas, sea turtles, and several sharks. The underwater world is a murky blue which doesn't come out particularly well in photographs (as you can see below!) but it was still a fascinating experience - not to mention delightfully dry!

When I dive, I take my own safety into my hands, so I was naturally a little concerned about turning over that responsibility to the folks at Atlantis. Don't get me wrong though - I was impressed with the professionalism of the staff and the excellent condition of the sub, which is in and of itself a pretty cool adventure, even without the underwater dive. There are two submarines, so chances are you'll get to watch one submerge while you are on the boat waiting to get on or go back.

Important Stuff to Know! Tours run about an hour but allow another 30-45 minutes for the boat trip to and from the sub. Like helicopter tours, the Atlantis folks have an irritating habit of doubling up tour groups on transportation to and from the event, so you end up waiting around a lot on the boat. Also, if you are an early riser, be forewarned. Apparently Americans on vacation in Hawaii are not known for getting an early start on their day, so the first two or three tours daily are in Japanese only. We were provided with English-language headsets while we were actually underwater, but a lot more talking went on that we missed altogether. In fact, we almost missed an announcement on the boat back, that for $25 per person, you can buy an annual pass which gives you unlimited rides in any of their Hawaii and other vacation destinations (Aruba, Barbados, all over the Caribbean and Guam). If you enjoyed the ride, and are planning to visit Kona or Maui, it might be a worthwhile investment.

This was the most touristy ripoff I experienced in Hawaii - yet the talent and enthusiasm of the 25-member cast made it hard to really mind. The Creation show brings to life the long saga of Hawaii's history while you dine on a vile-looking buffet of Continental and Hawaiian dishes. We were ushered into a painfully generic hotel ballroom, with a stage graced by some well-meaning painted sets and fake carvings. A depression engulfed me the minute we walked in and were seated in the far corner, where those who try to save a little money by paying only for cocktails (or just didn't like the look of the food) are so often relegated in these sorts of events.

We noticed our neighbors at the long banquet table had stolen some rice pockets from the buffet and were covertly noshing on them. My heart sank. But things looked up when we were given an entire menu of cocktails. Clearly we were going to need quite a few of them to make this evening bearable. I am not one to turn down a cocktail named Mauna Kea Mist or Fire Dancer, but I couldn't resist the Kahuna. It turned out to be a fantastic and intoxicating blend of kahlua, brandy, vodka, and fresh fruit juice. Delicious!

The show started 15 minutes later than scheduled, if you consider a few musicians in the corner to be 'the show'. This annoyed me no end, for we waited an additional 15 minutes while they played (admittedly quite nicely). We ordered more drinks. Finally, some activity on stage - but this wasn't really 'the show' either - it was a few cast members modeling wraps from the hotel gift shop, which they called "lava lavas" - you've probably heard them called pareu or sarongs, depending on which country you were in. Their shameless attempt to interest us in these cheap squares of rayon by giving them a fancy name and twisting them around a bunch of nubile young Hawaiians of both genders failed, however! The temptation was strong, but the Kahuna was stronger. We resisted, thanks to the many fruity drinks we had consumed while waiting for the show to start.

But start it did, at last, and it was much better than we had expected in such a tired-looking setting. The cast whipped through an eye-popping lineup of dances and skits, narrated by a booming-voiced character in a robe. The only distraction - which turned out in fact to be quite entertaining - was an inadequately rehearsed understudy who was invariably a half-second behind, and kept sneaking sidelong peeks at the other dancers to get her cues.

The highlight of the evening was the Samoan fire dancer, who really did astonish us with his stunts behind a metal net. Creation may not be the best place to see a fire dancer do his stuff, but you owe it to yourself to see someone do it, somewhere!

Nothing, but nothing, embodies Waikiki better than the world-famous, globe-trotting, "Tiny Bubbles"-singing, King of Hawaiian High Camp, Mr. Don Ho. I was shocked to learn that at 70-something, he is still doing a nightly show, and was even more surprised to find that it is a ton of fun.

I am too young to remember when he first 'had it', but Don hasn't lost it. He even had a screaming middle-aged groupie who sang along to everything and applauded wildly after each number. The show is more than just Don singing. He showcases other artists, tells jokes, involves the audience, and makes sure every last person has a great time. The best part was his cuttingly self-deprecating sense of humor: most of the jokes are at his own expense. In one off-the-cuff moment, when his microphone sagged and refused to stay upright, he commented to a stagehand, "It's bad enough I have to deal with these sorts of problems at home!"

The audience got involved, like it or not. Using free cassette tapes and CDs as bait, he lured people onto the stage and got them to do silly stunts, like the row of matronly hula dancers he got to accompany one song, though none had taken so much as a single hula lesson. One volunteer was asked to read an email aloud, which turned out to be a joke sent by a fan: An elderly man walks into the kitchen dressed up in his Sunday best. His wife asks, where does he think he's going? and he answers, "To get me some of that Viagra!" His wife bolts to her feet and rushes into the bedroom, then comes back out with her best coat and hat on. "And where do YOU think YOU'RE going?" the husband asks. She replies, "To get a tetanus shot!"

Between songs, Don questioned the audience, asking people of various categories to raise their hands. Newlyweds, military veterans, couples who have been together more than 50 years, New Yorkers ... most everyone fell into one category or another. He even asked if anyone knew the words to "Cielito Lindo" in Spanish, then convinced the guy to come up on stage and sing it. The newlyweds got free champagne - as did my husband and I, thanks to a kindly waiter who thought we looked like newlyweds (after 9 years... Hawaii will do that to you!)

My favorite souvenir of Hawaii is a photo of the three of us: husband, wife, and Don Ho. Everyone gets their photo taken on the way in to the show, and on the way out, you can stand on line to have Don sign it. He did so with a smile, adding our names and hometown so our souvenir would be more personal, and there is no doubt in my mind that despite his jokes ("are you sick of this song? I sure am!"), there is nothing he would rather be doing than entertaining people.

Why visit Pearl Harbor? At the time, we hoped to learn a little about a world-altering event from the recent past - to try and understand why so many people have "December 7th" forever circled in their mental calendars. Well, we got back from Hawaii on September 10th, 2001, and I don't think I need to mention what happened the following day. The comparisons began. "Another Pearl Harbor", they said, and suddenly I understood why no one who lived through WWII will ever forget what happened on December 7th, just as September 11th will certainly "live in infamy" in my mind.

The comparison is indeed striking. Pearl Harbor was the site of the first attack on U.S. soil, on an island paradise where coconut palms, surfer boys and hula girls made the war seem unreal. The sudden, massive, completely unexpected attack shattered - but didn't manage to destroy - that tropical fantasy. The second attack, many years later on another American island, was just as unreal, but far more devastating. Yet seeing Pearl Harbor gives me hope that Manhattan, like Honolulu, will weather this tragedy and become, once again, a place that isn't associated with sadness. I also dare to hope that a memorial as impressive will be erected for the victims of September 11th, and that unlike the Pearl Harbor Memorial, that we will not have to wait over 20 years to see it built. I hope it will be as moving, shocking, and inspiring.

The free visit begins with a 20 minute film which takes an honest look backwards at the events leading to that dark day. A park ranger is your guide - ours made a touching speech about how the attack personally affected her family. (Her mother's best friend lost her fiance that day.) From there you are led to an open-sided boat, manned by the U.S. Navy, on which a recording explains the sights of the harbor as you approach the Memorial itself. It is a long white span seemingly floating over the sunken battleship Arizona, which is still visible only 7-8 feet below the surface. Slicks of oil still rise to the surface from countless leaks and cracks. Through wide-open spaces in the walls, you look out over the harbor, or down at the remains of the Arizona. In the back, a marble wall bears the names of the 1,177 sailors who are buried below in a watery grave. On the trip back, you hear interviews with survivors, whose stories are moving enough to bring tears to the eyes some 60 years later.

You can also visit the USS Missouri and USS Bowfin if time permits. The gift shop is a great place to pick up unique souvenirs, like CD collections of 40's era Big Band music. If you don't have a car, take the public bus #20 from Waikiki. Open daily 7:30am-5pm - but be sure to arrive by 3pm or you won't make the last tour.

If I had a quarter for every time someone told me that I just "had" to hike Diamond Head, I'd have enough money to buy myself a slice of pizza. Depending on where I got the pizza, it might be more enjoyable than hiking Diamond Head.

It was admittedly kind of neat. Diamond Head is essentially a huge hollowed out volcanic "tuff cone", built by the US army as part of their coastal artillery defense system. You have to see the cross-section drawing in the brochure to believe it. The entire inside of the hill is a labyrinth of hallways, artillery batteries, and observation posts. An impressive piece of work considering that construction was completed before 1911!

At the very top of the grueling, steep 0.8 mile hike is an observation tower, which commands impressive 360 degree views, of the harbor, the ocean, and the fungus-like sprawl of buildings that is Honolulu. We were warned to leave early, because it gets hot. Does it ever. At 8am on a September morning we were sweating like pigs and inhaling our water bottles. I don't know what it is about volcanic rock and moist, dark, concrete tunnels, but it makes a girl sweat. I mean glow. Right. Bring plenty of water if you go, and if you're at all frightened of the dark or dark tunnels, bring a flashlight, although you will only be in total darkness for a few seconds without one.

Bird lovers should bring their binoculars, because the grounds of Diamond Head State Monument are crawling with Golden Plovers, Brazilian Cardinals, doves, and countless other specimens. There are helpful signs at the entrance with a photo and description of each species, so you can easily identify which ones you saw.

The gate to Diamond Head Road is locked from 6pm to 6am daily. That should give you an idea of how early you can start your hike (or jog, if you're looking for a fantastic workout!)

Getting there: from Waikiki, take Kalakaua Avenue East. It merges with Diamond Head Road just outside of town. Make a left on Monsarrat Avenue. From there you can follow signs to the parking area. Allow an hour to an hour and a half for the hike, depending on your fitness level and how many photos you plan to take at the top! Entrance $1 pp.

For every friend or relative who would love nothing more than if you would bring back one of those wiggling hula girl dashboard ornaments as a souvenir, there is another whose discriminating taste makes shopping for souvenirs a nightmare. Here are some suggestions to help you find the perfect gift for each and every person on your list.

Repeat after me. Hilo Hattie is not your friend. I know the ads look tempting, with their free shuttle buses, complimentary puka bead necklaces, and kona coffee samples at the door. Look if you must, but don't succumb to that tourist temptation! You can do a lot better elsewhere, either on price or quality, for just about every category of gift.

Incredible Edibles
The place to buy candy, coffee, and macadamia nuts is Long's Drugstore. There's one in the Ala Moana mall - I'm sure your concierge can help you find another. They have the same Hawaiian Host chocolate-coated macadamia nuts as the ABC stores and the gift shops at 2/3 the cost. Their coffee is less than half the price of the identical coffee at Hilo Hatties. They also have cute, cheap little doodads, like post-it notes in the shape of Hawaiian shirts.

What is it about Kona Coffee?
Kona Coffee really does have a unique, identifiable taste that is unlike any other coffee I've ever tasted. I hope my husband will forgive me for admitting publicly that I am hopelessly in love with it. Interestingly, though, it actually tastes better when blended with the regular stuff. One brand I really enjoyed is Hawaiian Isles Kona Coffee Co. Their "Kona Classic" blend comes in regular and decaf, and is reasonably priced. I wouldn't bother with their flavored coffees. The very thought is heresy to my ears! If you are buying gifts for a really discriminating coffee drinker, you could bring home the pure stuff, but expect to pay 3-4 times as much for the same 10oz. bag. The really good stuff is Kona Peaberry, so named for a growing phenomenon in which only one bean forms in the coffee "cherry" instead of the usual two. The lone bean is thus twice as flavorful, and so is the coffee.

Stuff You can Wear
There aren't many wearable bargains to be had in Honolulu, so you may as well splurge and get something really nice. Tommy Bahama sells expensive but well-made items, specializing in silks. We picked up a necktie with a very small, subtle hula dancer pattern and a gorgeous silk scarf with a palm and floral motif there. They also sell clothing, sandals, and bathing suits galore. (one location is the Hilton Hawaiian Village shopping center).

Perhaps my favorite store in all Hawaii is Crazy Shirts. Their stores can be found in every city and major shopping mall on the islands. They're not cheap, but the shirts are very good quality and absolutely bursting with creative, interesting, stylish designs. Each store has a slightly different sub-set of their vast inventory. Many designs will include the name of the island somewhere, so you can get one for each island you visit on your trip! I really loved Crazy Shirts because of their womens' section, where you can find cute, feminine tank tops and "mini crews": shorter t-shirts that fit snugger and have thinner hems and collars than their male counterparts. (sample locations: Hilton Hawaiian Village shopping center, Ala Moana mall, Kalakaua Avenue in Waikiki).

Music to Go
As I mentioned in my Pearl Harbor journal, the gift shop there has wonderful CDs of 40's era music for sale. They weren't cheap, but the money went to a good cause. You could also stop by the Ala Moana mall and pick up a copy of Keali'i Reichel's Kawaipunahele, an immensely popular collection of both traditional and contemporary songs. If you can get past his predilection for wearing loincloths on his album covers, you'll enjoy his hauntingly beautiful voice - at least when he's not singing in English. Trust me, just hit the "skip" button if you happen to recognize an English word. You won't regret it. Also available on Amazon.com if you can't be bothered to hit a record store during your vacation! (I bought mine in the airport.)

The musician in your life might appreciate the gift of a ukelele. There are some really beautiful ones in a shop in the lobby of the Hilton Hawaiian Village's brand new Kalia Tower. And what's more, the staff actually know the difference between the $50 ukelele and the $300 one, and can help you decide which one to buy. The Aloha Tower Marketplace also has a ukelele store, but it's not as nice.

Pineapples and More
A really fun place to shop for souvenirs is the Dole Pineapple Plantation. It's quite a ways out of town, but if you're heading toward Haleiwa (remind me to add a link to that entry when I write my Oahu journal), it's a great place to stop, cool off, and shop till you drop. They have a vast collection of nostalgic designs on everything from golf towels to postcards to baseball caps. Many are based on old Hawaiian postcards - others feature old Dole logos and can labels from years gone by. You can also have pineapples shipped just about anywhere. While you're there, there's a wonderful (but crowded!) snack counter, where you can taste just about any combination of pineapple, sugar, and macadamia ever invented by the human mind. My favorite is Dole Whip, a creamy fat-free non-dairy soft frozen yogurt which literally melts in your mouth. Delicious!