The Chic and Freak in Los Angeles

Many memorable moments were also to be had at the Girly Freak Show, including the Torture King shoving 12-inch needles through his face and biceps, as well as the scantily clad Reina Terror getting darts thrown into her back. Side-splitting entertainment, Hollywood style.

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There are actually two apartments here, one upstairs and one downstairs, but they comprise the same building. Each has three rooms and they can be rented out for any length of time. She''ll even cut you a deal if you stay for a long time.

I stayed upstairs, where I found a huge kitchen with all the utensils one might need to cook a gourmet meal, a spectacular den with plush furniture and imported artwork, and a dining room with all the amenities. In the corner of the den was a nice bar with lots of drinks and martini glasses. A perfect room for entertaining guests.

The room itself was probably about 300 square feet and the connected bathroom was equally spacious.

She charges about $110 per night for a room or you can rent out the entire upstairs or downstairs for about $300 a night. This is a perfect place for two or three couples traveling together, as you get to use the three rooms and you have full use of the entire aprtment--the kitchen, the den, everything. There's even a nice backyard for outdoor get-togethers.

If you're going to the convention center for a business meeting, this is a perfect place to stay, since you'll wind up paying $200 a night to stay in a Travelodge, with regular old amenities. The Buky House is a much better alternative.

The pseudo-steel plate metal facade of the place gives it an industrial image, but once you get inside it's basically like any other club. The place is tri-level with a kitchen, a dance floor, all black interior, and hideously overpriced drinks. One bottle of Heineken: $6. Welcome to Hollywood. I immediately felt like going back to Crete where I can get a beer for a dollar.

Of all the bathrooms that I have visited in my life, the one in the Key Club takes the cake. They have the narrowest urinals in world. And a short Latino guy stands there and hands you paper towels after you're done washing your hands. The counters are completely covered with baskets, bottles of Scope, buckets of Reeses, candy soap, tic-tacs, and all sorts of cologne--all of which are free for the taking. Well, I guess if they're going to charge six bucks for a Heineken, maybe this is their way of making up for it.

Connected to Boardner's via the back patio is another bar next door where on Saturdays you'll find Bar Sinister, an impressive weekly gothic/techno/dark wave/fetish hangout. On this particular Saturday in question--June 30th--there was a special event taking over the whole venue called "A Night of Illvision." Belly dancers, fire breathers, magicians, tarot readings, fortune telling, and all sorts of stuff was going on. A great event that had no cover charge whatsoever. Unfortunately it was much too dark for me to take any pictures.

Also connected to the patio outside is the back door of a nearby tattoo and piercing shop on Hollywood Blvd.

Nowadays we live in a time of overdone epic sagas filled with ridiculous, in-your-face, eye-candy special effects and most people don’t get a chance to see good old fashioned side-show entertainment.

Billed as "an array of acts including weird science, electrical stunts, mythical monstrosities, and a liaison with the exotic and erotic," the Girly Freak Show came to California in late June. I saw the show in San Jose on Thursday the 29th and had a splendid time chewing fat with the performers. The next day I drove to L.A. to stay at Buky House Bed & Breakfast and it turned out that the same show was at the Key Club in Hollywood on Friday night. The tour manager recognized me from the San Jose show and got me in for free, which saved me twelve dollars. (Which I subsequently spent on two Heinekens.)

Comprised of three girls and one male, The Girly Freak Show featured: Slymenstra Hymen, the fire-slinging wizardress from the gore-metal band GWAR; Zamora the Torture King (Tim Cridland) from the Jim Rose Circus Side Show; a trapeze artist/contortionist girl whose name I forget; and an eye-patch-toting temptress named Reina Terror, who usually does her own solo freak show in New York.

After the opening bit with Slymenstra performing as the "cannibal stripper," Reina did her "fire dance" with a few small torches. She inhaled the fire a few times and spit it back out. Nothing like good old-fashioned fire eating.

Next were the pussywhipping cowgirls. Slymenstra stood there with a long whip while the Torture King held up a page from a newspaper. With a crack of the whip, she was able to slice the newspaper exactly in half. And then in half again, and again, and again. What a talent! Next, Reina stood with a lit cigarette in her mouth while Slymenstra whipped out the cigarette from twenty feet away.

After some more fire eating by the Torture King, Reina came back, decked out in a sultry red outfit while she hammered a nail up her nose and then pulled it back out.

Next, she took a skinny necklace, sniffed half of it up her nose and then pulled it out her mouth. One end of the necklace was hanging out her nose and the other end was hanging out her mouth. With one hand on each end of the necklace, she pulled it back and forth, as if she was flossing out her insides. Wonderful stuff.

Another girl, whose name I can't recall--it was something like Ooh-lah--came out and did a splendid trapeze act followed by yoga-type contortionist maneuvers. Man, this gal could probably twist her body into a freakin' pretzel if she wanted to! Then she lay down on a bed of nails while Slymenstra smashed a concrete block on her stomach.

Reina appeared on the stage again, wearing nothing but baby panties while the Torture King threw darts right into her back. Actually, they weren't darts, Reina told me after the show -- they were homemade piercing needles that were converted into darts. These particular needles make a different type of cut than regular darts do, so she ended up bleeding all over the stage, which made the show even better. This act was titled, "The Human Dartboard."

Other bits included Reina walking barefoot on broken glass, the Torture King placing a burning hot steel rod onto his tongue, and Slymenstra eating crickets and igniting light bulbs with her tongue.

The show finished off with the Torture King doing what he's known best for: shoving 12-inch steel needles through his face and arms. What a sight! A 12 inch needle straight through his bicep. And another one straight through the inside of his mouth and sticking out from the bottom of his chin. I ran out of film at this point, but if you want to see some quality photos of this, and I absolutely recommend it, go here.

If you happen to be a jaded bastard like myself, a good portion of the program might seem to be run-of-the-mill freak show fare, but all in all, it was an outstanding variety show involving several hilarious costumes and rotating performers. A sufficient alternative to all the boring watered-down, Hallmark Card entertainment we're usually subjected to.

The parts 2, 3, 4 of this journal entry are mostly just to show you more pictures, since we're only allowed four shots per entry. Please read on!!

Everywhere you look, there are signs that say, "No overnight parking" or "You are now entering a parking permit zone." (See the photo).

Since I didn't want to pay the prices at the parking garage, I found a legal space on Doheny near Santa Monica Blvd, which is right down the hill from Sunset and about a fifteen minute walk. No problem. The sign said: 2 hour parking 8am-5pm, which means that if it's after 5pm, you can leave the car there until about three in the morning or so. After that, they tow it away.

If you go to the Sunset Strip--even if you're parking on the street a long ways away--be careful and read the signs carefully or you'll be sorry.