South Beach Bachlorette Party

Dear Diary,

Please make the alcoholic acid juices in my stomach stop churning so that I can move on with my life after South Beach.

Quick Tips:

Don't go during the off-season, which is summer. There are no beautiful people around.

Hang out on Ocean Street. From what I've observed, Collins Street is hotel row and Washington Street is suppose to be club row. But, I had more fun at restaurants on Ocean Street than I did anywhere else.

Best Way To Get Around:

Walking seemed like it took forever! Just walking up and down Collins Street was painful, especially in the sun. Renting a scooter is super convent, although difficult to do in a mini and stilettos. Cabbing is the most ideal. Cab rides are also super cheap: to a destination, at the most. But then again, South Beach is about 15 blocks long and 3 blocks wide.

The Royal Palm Hotel is a beautiful Art Deco building located in the heart of the Art Deco district. It's on Collins Avenue, hotel row. Right next door is the super swanky Loew's Hotel and a couple of blocks down is the Delano. We got two 2 bedroom suites, 709 and 809, and one 1 bedroom suite. The staff is super friendly and our stay was pleasant. Checking in took forever as the lines are not very conducive to multiple check ins. It took us about 1 hour to check in. But then again, there were 19 of us. I stayed in the the 2 bedroom suite which has a 180 degree, semi-circular view of the ocean. Every single time I walked into the living room, I was taken aback by the view before my eyes. At times I felt like I was on an ship in the middle of the ocean as all I saw was the sea.

It was 4:30am, two of my girlfriends and I left the Prive "early" to look for food. You'd think that a major street like Collins would house more food, but nope. Jerry's was the only attractive eatery that was still open. I've never heard of Jerry's before, even though the words 'Famous' were lit up in fire red.

Our mouths drooled as we panned through their extensive menu. They pretty much served every late night comfort food craving under the sun. I decided to go with the chicken fingers and the other two had burgers. While waiting for the food, I looked around the HUGE diner. The place is massive; the ceilings are super high and it's a vast open space with tons of tables.

When our food finally arrived, we gobbled enough down to satisfy the hunger pains induced by alcoholic acid juices. Once we got some food in our stomachs we all looked up at each other and noted that everything was very overcooked. Then simultaneously snorted out, "ehh, oh well" and continued to chomp down our food.

I ended up taking 80% of the chicken fingers back to the hotel. They tasted yummy the next day.

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Prive is apparently the hottest club in South Beach. Or maybe just in the opinion of the dude, Jeff, who sold us the table reservation for $30! There was a four bottle minimum for a table. With a four bottle minimum, there should NOT be a $30-per-girl fee for getting us in with no problem—especially when we had 19 hoochified, borderline street walker-like, dressed hot females. We could have easily walked in with no problems just by pulling our already skimpy tanks even further down.

So with $30 a head to even get a table and a four bottle minimum, we walk through the hip hop room (sounds pretty good, bobbing our heads), into the house room. We HATE house. We ask the host to put us in the hip hop room, but of course she tells us that there are no more tables in the other room and that the music in the house room will soon change. We get to our table and there is one SMALL-ass coffee table and SMALL-ass couch. I would even call that "couch" a loveseat for two. I am shocked that they expect us to fit 19 girls there. I mean, granted that we will probably not all be sitting at the same time, the size of that "table" seemed a bit ridiculous for a four bottle minimum. Once thing about South Beach, however, is that because 18% gratuity is included in everything, the service there is the worst I have ever received in the whole wide world.

To top of the night, there were no beautiful people to be seen. And what's up with guys undoing their buttons to the middle of their chest exposing all that ungroomed, untamed, needs to be manicured chest hair? And why are all the guys short? Is this the hottest South Beach gets? Apparently, it was "off season".