Description: Cafe Med is situated ten minutes walk from Newcastle City Centre and near Jesmond Metro station. Buses from the city centre going to the Freeman Hospital or to the coast, stop on Sandyford Road, just near the end of Hutton Terrace. There is limited parking in the streets around the restaurant. It's housed in what appears to be a series of former residential properties knocked into one but the entrance is rather disappointingly stuck on the side of the building at the end of the terrace and it looks a bit downmarket.
The décor is very simple and, while it looks like everything has been done cheaply, it is quite cosy, especially with the lights turned down, and comfortable. On the downside, it was difficult to read the menu and to get a good look at our food, especially as it was growing dark outside. One thing I really did not like was the television set hanging above the counter, which showed the BBC news channel continuously

We were told what was unavailable but not informed what the soup of the day was, nor were the specials pointed out to us on a chalkboard on the wall (fortunately we spotted these ourselves).

We were shown to a table in a dark corner and the waiter hovered on my shoulder as I struggled to take off my coat and squeeze into my seat. This immediately wound me up and probably had the effect of making me more critical than I might otherwise have been. We were told that the drinks menu was on a sheet of paper that had been folded and stapled to make a three sided tube: this looked cheap and nasty and there were food stains on it.

Inspite of being a "Mediterranean" restaurant the menu was decidedly Italian withextensive lists of pasta and pizza at the core. The main courses were mainly chicken and steak dishes but there was a lamb kleftico which stood out as being interesting and different. A note above the main courses stated that all meals were served with a choice of chips, salad or vegetables unless otherwise stated. The starters were dated, a trip down 1970s memory lane: there was chicken liver pate, garlic mushrooms, melon, prawn cocktail - only the egg mayonnaise was missing.

The orders were taken and this would have been a good time to suggest bread or olives to nibble on but nothing was suggested.

I was disappointed by my tiny heap of battered squid rings; what made this look even stingier was the enormous pile of shredded iceberg lettuce and red onion on the plate beside it. Really, this dish should be mostly squid, with a salad garnish and by the time my main course came, chicken skewers lying atop another much bigger pile of salad (and unsolicited salad at that), I'd just about had my fill of lettuce and red onion. The squid was just edging towards rubberiness but the batter was delicate and crisp; I couldn't decide whether these were made from scratch or bought in but the small size of the rings led me to suspect they were made from scratch. The lemon mayonnaise that was served with the calamari was quite nice with a lovely balance of acidity and creaminess but it was clearly from a jar.

The meatballs and mushrooms dish looked quite appealing but on closer inspection it turned out that the meatballs and sauce were hiding a slice of bread. What was the reason for this piece of (now horribly soggy) bread? Still, the meatballs were OK, nothing to get excited about but they had a nice texture and the sauce was tangy. When the plates were taken we were asked had we enjoyed the starters; when I said that mine was OK the waitress did a double-take and looked at me in surprise, but didn't ask any more.

The mains arrived. Three chicken souvlaki sat criss crossed on top of a mountain of shredded iceberg, large pieces of cucumber sliced lengthways and half rings of red onion. At first I though the salad wasn't dressed but under the kebabs, in the middle of the plate was a pool of oil; if this was meant to be a dressing it was a poor one - under-seasoned, if at all, and all oil, with no acidity from vinegar or lemon juice, and being a Mediterranean restaurant there really should have been some herbs in there too. There was no colour to the chicken; there was a cursory sprinkling of something indistinguishable but none of the delicious charring you'd expect on souvlaki. Likewise, the green peppers and pieces of courgette were hardly cooked when they should have been nicely softened and had a lovely charred flavour. The wooden skewers hadn't been soaked so the chicken clung tenaciously to them and I had to ask Himself to de-skewer them as my slightly arthritic fingers could not meet the challenge. Having seen on the menu that this dish came with Mediterranean vegetables, why was it lying on a huge mound of salad? The vegetables - two pieces of broccoli, two pieces of cauliflower and a few batons of carrot - arrived moments later, with a bowl of very dark chips which were to accompany the piri piri chicken. I was worried by the chicken; I couldn't see it very well and I was concerned that it might not be properly cooked. One of the staff asked if everything was OK and I explained that as the chicken had no colour I was concerned it might not be cooked thoroughly. He assured me it was cooked properly and when I asked about the colour, he told me that they have been serving chicken like that since October and nobody had complained, however, if I wanted they would give me an alternative. Against my instincts I declined.

The piri piri chicken was slightly better but not great. The chicken was OK but not very flavoursome and it would have been better to have marinated the chicken and served it with the sauce, rather than just cooking it and throwing the sauce over the top. The presentation was quite lazy, the sauce just poured over the whole chicken breast. The sauce was distinctly average and lacked that fiery kick that piri piri is meant to have; perhaps if they don't want to serve it too hot, they could ask how hot you'd like your sauce and cook it accordingly; again, I suspect that the reason they don't is that they rely heavily on ready made things.

The plates were cleared rather too promptly and we were asked if we'd like a dessert. The desserts were also listed on the grubby paper thing on the table. Tiramisu from the menu and the sticky toffee pudding from the specials board were not available in the Groupon offer and would have to be paid for at full price if we wanted them. Of what was left only the banana split and the ice cream were suitable for someone (me) with a nut allergy. All of the puddings are bought in which is a real let down. It's really boring when you are allergic to nuts to almost always have the ice cream for dessert, it's especially annoying when that's because the restaurant is using bought in desserts that can't be guaranteed nut free. My strawberry ice cream was dull, cheap strawberry ice cream - not even a nice ice cream with fruit in it - and it was served up like a school dinner ice cream in a boring ceramic bowl with a squirt of aerosol cream and a drizzle of 'monkey's blood'. Himself asked what kind the cheesecake was; he was told, in a hesitant manner, blackcurrant with some 'strawberries on top'; for that red strawberry cheesecake, nasty cheap, full of artificial flavourings strawberry cheesecake slopped onto the plate with a squirt of cream at each corner. I'd be ashamed to serve that up at home so Cafe Med should be doubly ashamed to serve such rubbish at £3.50 for a miniscule, sloppy slice.

I'm loathe to write off Cafe Med completely; our meals may have been mediocre at best but I suspect that, priced at £3.50 during the nightly happy hour, the pasta and pizza options are probably spot on. I'll even suggest that outside of the promotional time this section of the menu is reasonable value. If they were better executed I'd even say that the mains would be excellent value. The trouble is that the menu is dated, and the food is bland, carelessly cooked and presented unimaginatively. I was surprised how busy the place was and how many customers seemed to be regulars. There's no chance of me ever joining their number.

Close